My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
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“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Double negatives are never not confusing.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.