I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
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[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
describing stardew valley
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
what?
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
New Tinder profile.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]