If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
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Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Found my door mat
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
good let them take over I have had enough
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.