Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
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[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.