“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
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[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Mood.. 😂
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
That lamp looks PISSED.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way