End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
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therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.