Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
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Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
as is their right
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
🤣
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
lol
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
The first matador
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.