[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
You Might Also Like
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
The USS B port
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I am having an out of money experience.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.