Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
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Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
ok hear me out: Luigiana
The Sun
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
when you are just born a rebel
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Adultry does not sound fun at all