Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
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2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?