At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
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In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
drew a comic about my origin story
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.