Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
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Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Guilty! 🤪
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
it is time once again
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*