I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
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Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!