[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
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#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”