How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
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Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Danger is very dangerous
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”