Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
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Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
This squirrel eats better than I do
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?