Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
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For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Got him!
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.