[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
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When he asks for feet pics
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
I’ve been learning to cook.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?