You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
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I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
God has left this place
A friend sent me this.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
i will not be silenced
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Am getting real tired of your crap…
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’