The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
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My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
*pulls at 28掳 angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29掳 angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094掳 angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom鈥檚 gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
THE AUDACITY. 馃槫
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor鈥檚 note* oh you mean the little cross?
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Scar: Now that I鈥檓 king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don鈥檛 take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I鈥檒l let you know if I鈥檓 still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I鈥檓 not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week