I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
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I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
sigh
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?