I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
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I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
🙁
If a snake ate a cake
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.