Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
You Might Also Like
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?