Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
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I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.