Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
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Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist