4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
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Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
somewhere, in an alternate universe
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
🤣
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now