Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
You Might Also Like
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.