so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
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If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
This has made my week.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake