If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
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It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers