if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
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I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
PARKOUR
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan