Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
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Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
nyc:
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.