18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
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What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?