Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
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“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.