The police never think its as funny as you do.
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Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
prepare for carbonated trouble
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.