My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
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My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*