Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
You Might Also Like
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!