In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
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My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17