Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
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Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW