A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
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Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP