[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
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My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Simple
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1