succession but with mickey mouse and friends
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Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently