Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
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I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids