My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
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I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
This line from Airplane.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function