i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
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If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Real House Wines.
Florida be like…
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
me 2 months after i graduated