My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
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Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?