McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
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A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.