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I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Today’s Times
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!