*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
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Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying