The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
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No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Optional boss fight.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Happy Febuary everyone!
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good