I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
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90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
what’s the point then??
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.